Rebirth and the Daily Practice of Contentment

“Happiness grows best in the soil of contentment.”

— Tim Fargo

I’m at a time in my journey as a woman where I feel like I’m going through a sort of rebirth. It feels like a rebirth because I am clearly no longer a maiden and while I am (and will always be) a Mother, I’m in the liminal space between being a new mother, toddler mother, preschool mother, and middle-aged mom YET not yet a Crone.

It feels like no one talks about this stage of motherhood. Until now, my focus has simply been “keeping the kids alive” and learning who I have been as a mother and then now, as if overnight, my kids are in school full time and I’m left wondering - who am I “NOW?”

How do I fully step into this unfamiliar place with grace?

I am a woman wondering where my journey is going and often feel like I’m standing at one end of a long walking bridge on a foggy day - and I can’t see where the bridge is taking me but it’s over a dark canyon and I can’t see what’s below or ahead.

I can look back but where I have been these last few years is not where I am going. It FEELS different. I’ve denied the shift. I have wished it wasn’t happening. I have to cross that bridge and move forward but there’s a certain level of trust I must have in what lies on the other side even when I can’t see what that is.

So here I sit, gestating. And like I felt when I was growing my babies, I feel impatient. I want to know what it’s going to look like. I feel restless at times. Unsure. Afraid. Excited. Worried. Amused.

So this is where the yoga comes in to help me make sense of these complicated life experiences. Yoga reminds us that it’s ok and actually helpful to practice “Santosha” - or contentment for where we are without knowing where we are headed.

When we don’t know where the path is leading us, then we can start within and take one small step and feel into it - does it feel in alignment with your heart’s calling? Then we take another step after that until the path becomes clearer.

We have a choice to admire where we are in the journey or scramble in the uncertainty of fog ahead. We can feel into the familiar places and rest there until what’s “next” is reveled. We are still moving forward but we are ALSO being in the present moment with what is and trying to find contentment in that space. Instead of chasing the next.best.thing and feeling lost or unsettled, we can find simple ways to enjoy where we actually are. Maybe it’s a cup of tea. Or watching our children or pets play. Or just walking in nature and taking in the magic that surrounds us.

For me….

I get to choose to trust that the path of what I’m being called to do next and who I am to be then will eventually be illuminated when I’m ready. I understand that rebirth (like childbirth) might be painful at times but nothing worthwhile is ever easy and we often learn the most from those challenging experiences

So while I slowly step onto the bridge toward my next embodied way of serving, I will keep practicing contentment with where I am, enjoying the freedom and privilege of being able to walk forward, head into an adventure, and be carried in love and light.

Won’t you join me?

The 5 Minimalist & Simple Living Podcasts I'm Listening To Right Now!

I am a (trying not to be busy) mama of two now. But before I had kids, I read a lot of books - both for fun and for self-improvement. These days, I find that I get a lot of the same enjoyment I did with books, in podcasts. I listen to them EVERY DAY! If you’ve ever joined me in a yoga or birth class, or even on a yoga retreat, you’ve undoubtedly heard me reference a podcast (or five!)  Listening to them feeds that part of me that wants to remain a student forever and the mama part of me that falls asleep reading books when I finally get time at the end of the day. 

But what I love most about podcasts is that I can listen to them while I drink my coffee or take them with me wherever I go - on a walk, at the grocery store, en route to appointments, in the school pick up lane or while I cook dinner. 

Don’t get me wrong….I have a lot of quiet time in my day, too. I need that as well. And I love that my screen time is cut down and I’m able to feel inspired to make a shift somewhere or have a new awareness in just 20-30 minutes!  

The following podcasts are my favorites right now as I continue to shift my life to embrace simplicity and explore minimalism. I am seeking a more simplistic version of motherhood and my work life. As I implement what I learn and adopt the new mindset shifts that come from regularly listening to these podcasts, I realize how helpful it is to have this option as a mom.

Minimalist Moms - Diane Boden (http://www.minimalistmomspodcast.com/)

• Diane Boden is a mama with a mission! When I listen to her podcasts, I feel inspired to make some shifts to my home and heart. Her topics range and her interviews are so interesting - they truly hold my attention and I learn about so many other amazing people who embrace Simple-living and Minimalism.

Minimal- ish: Realistic Minimalism (https://www.desiraeendres.com/minimalish)

• Desirae Endres is a very down-to-earth mom of a toddler, former teacher turned Podcast host, who shares SO much amazing wisdom about shifting your mindset to a life embracing the “less is more” philosophy. She has great interviews and her topics are always so interesting and helpful: like how to find friends in whatever season of motherhood you’re in or minimalism for moms or how to declutter your home as a mama with all.the.toys. I feel like she speaks directly to me as a mom who is trying her best to cut through the programming around things having to look a certain way and have more time to just BE with my family, myself and my community. I love Minimalism and I know first-hand the challenges I face implementing it as a lifestyle as a mom. And Desirae’s useful tips and conversations acknowledge those same struggles while also giving me new ideas that are so DOABLE. Go listen to her! She’s so easy to relate to!

Simplicity Parenting - Kim John Payne (https://www.simplicityparenting.com/)

• Based on the book, Simplicity Parenting, this podcast has quick, supportive, non-judgmental episodes that have helped me shift the way I interact with my children. And it feels good! We don’t get very much support for parenting when we have children. And the advice we get can often feel judgmental. But this podcast is not that! From mindset tools to tips on shifting after school melt-downs, I feel like I get so much useful parenting advice and tools from Dr Payne. Now I give myself permission to be proactive vs reactive, parent more simply, and engage as a better listener to my children. I also like that the episodes are typically  shorter so I can zoom in on a topic I am struggling with and implement it with ease pretty quickly. I can listen to it in my car and still hold the main ideas. Podcasts don’t have to be long to be really helpful!

Simple Families - Denaye Barahona, Ph.D (https://www.simplefamilies.com/)

• I love listening to this podcast because the topics are geared toward families! I remember when I first started this journey toward Minimalism, I was so unsure how to implement it in our home and lifestyle. This podcast also discusses Minimalism and Zero Waste and the link they have with family life. 

The Kate and Mike Show (https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/kate-mike-show-life-love-business/id1160960959?mt=2#episodeGuid=97a5735541dde2621eaa2522135a5400)

• A few years ago, I was looking for a way to balance my personal life and my career, as I needed to step back into teaching but was also home with both of my young children. I was all over the place with my work! I had no semblance of schedule. I even did it with my daughter asleep on my lap and my son watching TV because that’s when I had time. But I was never focused and always frazzled. I had no idea how much easier my work-life world could be until I joined The Origin Collective with Kate Northup. It changed my life! I learned so many time-saving, simplicity-promoting systems that also spoke to my woo side from Kate’s program. I now implement them on the daily and feel so much more balanced! And I love THIS podcast because it continues to teach me how to DO LESS with MORE. 

I hope you find them helpful, too! Please share your favorites in the comments!

Mama Burn Out!

The other day, as I scrolled my Facebook feed, I came upon a post about burnout in a local mom's group. It was right before school was to restart after winter break and the mama who posted was lamenting about how hard it was to wait for her kids to go back to school. I remember passionately shaking my head (virtually) in agreement. I love, LOVE, LOOOVE my kids...with all of my being. But I, too, was ready for a little more me time that didn't require keeping another human alive, answering to "mommy!" and arguing over food choices.

As a mom, we have the ability to do all.the.things. We are awesome at managing multiple tasks at a time, like holding a baby while cooking/eating/toothbrushing and standing up. Sometimes we are even holding a full conversation about the bills, the schedules or how someone's day had gone. And we do it all the time. But after certain amount of time, especially when we notice a certain level of grumpiness or irritability creeping in, we realize that we are just plain burning the candle at both ends.

“When you are not present to yourself and your needs, burnout will happen. ”

There are many reasons why this is not ideal for anybody, not the least because a mama with a calmer nervous system is so much more capable of handling stressful situations, including those dealing with her family. And the truth is: we don’t have to do it all. So today, I want to discuss mama burnout including how to know if you are going toward being there (or ARE there) and how to mindfully move out of it when you do!

To begin, there are some telltale signs that you are experiencing mama burnout:

1. You’re easily irritated by everyone, especially your baby/children/partner. Everything they do, every time they say "mommy" or anytime if they have a tiny tantrum, it feels so irritating or overwhelming.
2. You’re always exhausted. This could be an combination of too many nights of broken or not enough sleep paired with the expectation that you have to do it all. If exhaustion is ongoing, it starts to take a toll on everything in your life. This can especially be true immediately postpartum - i.e. the first 6 months of your baby's life. Exhaustion can manifest in so many ways, affecting your health and immune system, your libido and will show up as a strong desire to just park yourself in front of the cupboard noshing on cookies and other sugary goods.  All of these signs can reflect how much or how little sleep you are getting, and more importantly, the quality of it. Sometimes when you’re in complete burnout, your good friend insomnia shows up as well.
3. You feel overwhelmed by even the smallest of tasks, so you don't do any of them. Your to-do list feels like it's a mile long and not doable and so you get mental overload and feel stuck. There was a wonderful article you can read here about mental overload that moms experience. It's a real thing. Nay an epidemic.
4. You feel disconnected from yourself and others. You feel yourself move through the day like a robot, just getting by. Perhaps you are looking at your phone, checking out by scrolling aimlessly through social media or binge watching a series on Netflix. 
5. Joy is hard to find. Even when you do have a little time to yourself, it doesn't feel like enough. I mentioned this to my husband the other day and he said, "yeah, time flies when you need more of it.  Two hours can feel like 20 minutes when you are a parent."

There are surely more signs than I will name here. (This article is an awesome read and goes into this and the root of burnout a little deeper!) These are the common ones I have experienced and seen with mamas that I work with on a frequent basis. Please take a moment and check in with yourself. Reflect on how you know when YOU are experiencing burnout. Then write down your own symptoms, so that you can move through the next part: 5 small steps to mindfully move out of burnout.

Just a note: I know it can feel overwhelming to take on any new things when you are already feeling burned out on doing things. I totally get that! So here are a few small doable things that won’t take up a ton more energy, and in fact will hopefully do the opposite and give you time back for more sleep, more mental clarity and more patience with yourself and others in your life.

5 small steps to mindfully move out of burnout

1. Take 5 deep breaths. Close your eyes and give your fight or flight part of your mama brain a moment of rest. You can even set a timer and sit in silence just being with your breath for three minutes. Start with three minutes, and gradually move up to five. Notice when judgment comes up, and breathe into it, not believing it but noticing. Judgment is SO exhausting.

2. Write down 3 things that bring you energy and 3 things that exhaust you. This takes 2 minutes. Then look at the list of those things that exhaust you and ask yourself, "do I absolutely need to do these?"  If you can let one or all of them go, do it. Just say "no.": Cancel that meeting/date. Or if that's not possible, how might you shift your internal dialog about them?  Or is there anyone else that can it it for you? And ask them.

The other day, when we were preparing for a crazy snow storm, a mama confessed that she sent her husband to the grocery store to brave the crowds while she relaxed on the couch with a glass of wine. Another mom talked about how when she was 7 weeks postpartum, she was making breakfast for her husband every morning and then, eventually when they were arguing about it (because she was exhausted from doing it all), he gently reminded her that he never expected that of her - it was HER expectation of herself. A lot of the time, moms think we have to do it all, as if it's going to win us a gold metal. But it doesn't. We were never meant to do it all on our own but it was never something that we were meant to do alone.

3. Carve out time on your schedule DAILY to be still. Give yourself permission to sit still, to leave the dishes or the toy explosion, or the laundry and just be still. There are a few amazing apps out there that can guide you through 2-5 minute meditations or relaxations. Yoga Nidra is an awesome way to refill your mama well in a short amount of time.  (I love Karen Brody's approach and book - Daring to Rest. Check her out here!)

4. Practice saying no. Start with once a day. Take a moment when asked to commit to something, and ask yourself, "is this something I can (politely) decline so I can have more spaciousness in my life?  It may be uncomfortable at first. It’s going to feel unfamiliar, especially if you’re someone that always says "yes", but what you say "no" to is equally as important as what you say "yes" to.

5. Consciously take time away. For a day at least, if not a weekend or longer take some time away from your every day life. Get into nature by going on a walk or a hike. Go on a yoga and meditation retreat.  Or maybe it’s just a regular yoga or dance class and coffee with a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Or it’s a weekend away by yourself or with your beloved.

Or maybe right now in your life, it may be more double to commit to 5 minutes alone in the bathroom or an hour in the bathtub with some candles - a dedicated and protected moment in time when you aren't being needed by anyone.

However it is that you get away for a break, commit to letting go of any guilt that might come from it from not being completely present for everything your family is doing at that time. When you are present for yourself, you create space to have presence for others. When you are not present to yourself and your needs, burnout is likely to follow. 

In the end, it all comes back to love and a commitment to yourself to remember to prioritize yourself. It's not selfish, mama. It's necessary. And the next time you snap at your partner or kids or want to get in the car and go to the store because you need a break, come back to these few steps (or your own that you discover) and you'll find your way back to center.

The Story of... our Prenatal Diagnosis of Down syndrome

It's truly all in delivery. Any news, really. Good news. Bad news. All news. And...HOW the news is delivered seems to have a significant impact on how you view the actual news you are given. 

I had a friend explain the "shit sandwich" to me once. I thought it was GENIUS! She said, "you take a positive part of the news, add the "shit" - or the not so positive part, and then sandwich THAT with as much of a "positive" statement as possible.  I remember thinking, "wow. How is this not a part of everyone's training?!" Especially medical professionals.

I'm aware that sometimes the news just can't be sugar-coated, made easier, or beautified. It's harsh. It's cold. And it's not what you want to hear. But maybe, just maybe, acknowledging the humanness of the person who is receiving the information might lend to remembering how much of an impact the HOW of the WHAT you are delivering as a practioner might make or break that human and their experience.

The Story...

Let me share my story. The most significant news delivery story I have ever gotten to tell in my life.

On the chilly spring morning of my daughter's 19-week anatomy scan, my friend at work cheerfully said, "aren't you excited? You get to see your baby today!?" I was. But I couldn't hide my worry. Having worked in midwifery clinic and worked with pregnant women for as long as I had, I held pregnancy like a precious golden egg in my hands that did not want to shatter. I was so nervous - I had an intuition that we were about to receive some big news.

Fast-forward to the furious photo-taking of the Ultrasound Tech and my own furious head going back and forth between the blurry images she was assuring me were my baby and her facial expressions. Wondering what she was taking photos of so intently. She must have been really good at poker because I didn't once see anything in her expression that would have led me to believe something was abnormal. Then she took her last picture and stopped, smiled and left my hubby and I in the small room to wait for the perinatologist.

And for what seemed like the longest time, we waited. We kept looking at the photos of our daughter. Smiling at each other as we acknowledged the fact that her brother knew about her before that affirmation of the photo on that tiny screen (his hand on my belly at 5weeks indicated he knew she'd be a girl.) Wondering what we should name her. And wondering, perhaps on a deeper level, what was taking our doctor so long.

Then the doctor joined us and began slowly looking over the various images on her screen. She had a very positive, sweet and confident air about her. Her presence automatically put us at ease - something very unexpected for a doctor who worked with high risk pregnancies and babies.

So when she started explaining what she found in the ultrasound, we already trusted her. We needed her...to explain, to hold the space for our reaction, to be compassionate. And she did all those things, and more. There isn't a way to prepare yourself for news that changes your very being and your life. It hits you like one of those big logs in a cartoon. And she knew that. So she proceeded with care and a gentleness that felt protective, cautious and very loving.

"So, that issue you came in to check out is no longer and issue. It has resolved. However, based on the ultrasound results, I believe that your baby has the high likelihood of having Trisomy 21, also known as Down Syndrome."

My heart jumped. What just happened? "Wait... what?" I managed to stutter.

"This sheet here has all the markers for Down syndrome." She held out a check off list of all sorts of medical/physical abnormalities. "I've gone through them all and while she does not have all of them, she has 2 hard markers. There's a strong possibility that she has Down syndrome."

She remained gentle and compassionate.

Wait. One minute she's just a baby girl. Now....she's a girl that likely has Down syndrome? "What are the chances? Percentages?! I need to know more."

Without hesitation, she agreed to go find out exactly what those percentages were, which also gave us time to process. And time for me to tell my husband, "I'm sorry. It's my fault." Time for disbelief and worry to take hold.

As she reentered the room a few minutes later, she smiled gently. "Based on your age and the markers, your daughter has a 1 in 7 chance of having Down Syndrome. Would you like to do the blood test or amniocentesis to find out for sure?"

"Please take your time with this."

Our reply was simply, "Yes. Absolutely. The blood test. But it won't change the course of our pregnancy. We still have a lot of questions, but we want our baby no matter what."

Her response and smile to that particular statement remains the turning point in my memory for how I viewed my pregnancy and baby AND what I remembered on the darker of days when I wondered why my daughter chose me as her mother and how I was going to raise a child with special needs.

She simply said, "She's lucky to have you. And when you're ready, I'd love to introduce you to a mother who has a daughter who has Down syndrome. She's so beautiful. And I just love having her come visit - it's the highlight of my day."

Even though we left stunned, confused, curious and still in love with our daughter, we did not leave feeling hopeless.

The week that followed the blood test, as we waited for the results, I was both candid about the possibility she would have Down syndrome or held the cards close, depending on who I was talking with. My midwives were some of the most amazing listeners. One assured me that I could still try for a Vaginal Birth After Cesarean (VBAC). I remain SO grateful that in a time of huge changes, she normalized birth for me again.

Another shared her story about her daughter having an unexpected cleft palate and what that was like for her. And the Head Midwife sat with my husband and I as we processed the results on that 7th day. In a way only a midwife can, she held the space for us to process. She listened. She validated. And when we stated that we were continuing with our pregnancy, she simply said, "Okay." And proceeded to write in our chart, "Rebecca and Joel are preparing to meet their baby girl with Down syndrome."

I never heard, "I'm sorry" or "Are you sure?" There was no further discussion about "keeping" our baby...with any of our providers.

I know that this isn't the story that all my friends with babies like mine tell of their experience. And I sit here, over two years later, grateful that my daughter picked me and that I was lucky enough to have such supportive, positive care providers. And it all feels divinely guided.

I know not all news is easy to deliver. But if we truly see ourselves as one....if we see ourselves in others...then we can deliver good, bad, ugly, unexpected news on a human level...with compassion, love, understanding and support. It can be done. I believe my story is proof of that.

March 21st 2017 is World Down Syndrome Day. Hug someone with Down syndrome - and their parents!

Inspiration for Embracing the Mother Retreat March 31st - April 2nd

The Sacred Conversation

One spring day last year, I was walking with an expecting friend around a beautiful lake in the center of Denver. As we took our time, enjoying the warm sun on our faces, we began discussing her pregnancy, her feelings about her baby's upcoming birth and becoming mothers. For the past 6 years, this conversation has been a warm and familiar one.  There is always something to discover in them - even though these conversations have been commonplace in my world since my first pregnancy 6 years ago. As we spoke about what she was feeling about how fast the pregnancy was going, how challenging it was to really sit with her pregnancy, and how much she wished she could just get away by herself and connect with her baby in a quiet place.

I related on a deep level to where she was. I too, had felt that calling to go inward, to disconnect from my every day life and reconnect with that feminine place within me that would be the source I would draw upon to birth my babies. And as it happens with me, a dream began to form- a sweet dream about a retreat for pregnant women...to offer mothers a way to really honor all those things that really honor a woman in her pregnancy, while also offering support to her preparation for birth and becoming a mother. I had so many ideas.

And so Embracing the Mother Retreats was born!  And the details fell into place, like a sacred puzzle magically coming together: the retreat space (Sun Mountain Center), amazing facilitators, and expecting mothers began to emerge. And I couldn't be more thrilled to be hosting our second Embracing the Mother Spring Prenatal Yoga Retreat. With a strong focus on all things yoga and pregnancy, ridiculously delicious organic food and a space that is just perfect for a spring getaway, this is a one-of-a-kind retreat!

So here's my invitation...Come away. Pamper yourself. Indulge. Nurture.

Early Bird Registrations ends on March 5th - don't miss your opportunity to get $100 off your registration!

Expecting Mother Yoga + Meditation Retreat - Three Reasons to say YES!

My daughter's 2nd birthday is upon me and as it often happens when mothers approach their baby's birthday, I find myself dreamily reflecting back on the journey of my pregnancy with her.  I was working in a midwife's office part-time, teaching my lovely Birthing From Within classes and prenatal yoga class, AND oh yes, being a mother to my son.

Each day was a lot of the same:  I would wake up and kiss my little boy goodbye and head off to work. I can still see the image of him waving out the window each time. I would then hurry to work through traffic - a trip that normally took 20 minutes would always take an hour. After the work day was done, I would then either come home or head to teach a class. 

Life felt SO fast. I was always GOING somewhere, DOING something - and sometimes I found myself remembering, as if an afterthought, that I was "oh yeah, pregnant!"

From very early on in my pregnancy with my daughter, I felt a strong calling, a beckoning from deep within to slow down, to pause, to practice yoga and mindfulness. And then a day, week or month would quickly pass and I'd find myself reflecting once again on how much I wished I could just SLOW time down for a minute so I could savor my pregnancy. A pregnancy and baby that we had so desperately tried so hard to have happen. But time didn't listen...it just kept going, like it does.

Then... my hubby had a wedding he was to photograph in the mountains. I thought - this is it! I knew... I knew we both needed the retreat - a short getaway before a new baby would be in our lives and getting away like that would be much more challenging for a while. So my little boy got to have a sleepover with grandma and we got a retreat in the mountains!

The mountains have been my home the majority of my life and they never cease to envelope me. And once in our hotel room overlooking a lovely quiet summer ski hill...I finally felt time slow down. I felt my breath return to a normal pace and I was more present in my body. I actually had time to talk to my growing baby girl - something that was harder to do than it had been for my first pregnancy. I was finally able to really rest.

And I didn't know how much I needed that break from my everyday life until that weekend away.

This getaway - before my baby girl arrived and life got much more busy - was the inspiration for why I created my Expecting Mother Retreat: Embracing the Mother, taking place in October.

Here are the top THREE reasons expecting mothers need THIS retreat in October:

1. You get to get away from your every day life! This retreat is truly unique. Nowhere else do you get such a beautiful, ideal setting, daily yoga and meditation that is catered to your beautiful mama body; yummy healthy good that you don't have to prepare....and community with other mothers. I often hear that expecting mothers desiring a time to connect with other mothers.

2. This is an all inclusive retreat. This is a break from the DOING and GETTING THINGS DONE. You get to receive - a yoga class, meditations, quiet time, delicious food, hiking, community and celebration. And the best part? It doesn't involve any planning on your part. You just have to get there!

3. Birth is easier when you are rested and relaxed in pregnancy. We all have things that cause us stress. And in our daily life, there are few moments where we truly get to really relax and let our bodies move from a taxed adrenal system to a calm, more peaceful place. Yet...it is exactly that relaxation of the nervous system that leads to many mothers experiencing less challenges in the birthing process. Mothers feel and do better in labor and postpartum when they arrive there in a body that is connected, relaxed and strong.

You know you need this.

This time will never come again.

Join us this October as I and 5 other AMAZING women share our gifts and love for mamas with you! You will be so grateful you did!

A Shout-Out to my Dear"old" but not forgotten friends...

Dearest, loveliest, most patient friends...

I thought about you today. I actually think about each of you all the time but in this moment, I'm grounded in the fact that time is fleeting and my need for you to know a few things is strong.

Each time I think about you, a new memory of our earlier times comes forward. And it always makes me giggle, smile or nostalgic for a time that has clearly passed. I'm reminded of the fact that each of you holds a special place in my heart and that no matter how much time passes between our time together or our phone calls, I carry each of you with me.

I will never forget...

- being rescued by you in the middle of CDG Airport in Paris after missing my flight, running from concourse to concourse at JFK with a 40lb backpack on my own at the ripe age of 19.

- the numerous times you held me as I cried - breakups, arguments, changes, and big news. And that one time you sat just a few feet away from me (with your back turned so as not to interfere) as I had a truly challenging conversation with someone much older than me. You did not leave my side knowing I needed you in that moment.

- that time on the street in Edinburg when you pulled me onto the sidewalk when I looked left when I should've been looking right! (Whew! So hard to remember they come from the opposite direction there!)

- the road trip through France when the times I almost wet myself laughing with you are too numerous to count! Wine country. Paris. Normandy. Ice Cream. Coffee. Lots of wine. Did I mention wine + coffee? (It deserves two mentions!)

- that big box of pregnancy and birth stuff! I wouldn't be working in the birth world without that ginormous box of love....and the seeds you planted. 

- the way you each share your heart, so openly and with so much trust. We are sisters and you know it.

- the times we have laughed and cried together through weddings and birth stories and becoming mothers. Those moments keep me going...that shared experience is worth everything when the times are more challenging.

- that time you came from New York JUST for my baby shower. 

- they way you never hesitate to be a guide - you're inspiring just by the love you give no matter who needs it.

- each walk we took through the streets of Paris + New York City - as I walked off my past and welcomed my future. Your guidance and influence is immeasurable to this day. I embraced a new part of myself that would not have been uncovered without you. I never get sick of talking with you.

- that time you saw that I needed a BIG change and let me live with you in that TINY NYC apartment with your adorable cat that looked like Bugs Bunny. True friendship means surviving a 300sq ft apartment together!

- celebrating you as you became mothers. As you chose not to become mothers. As you wondered about becoming a mother. Big questions....I met them with you and hope we get to meet many more as they come.

- each time we shared an announcement, birth, wedding, death...you each have walked those experiences with me.

And...
I know I am not the best communicator. I suck at sending thank you notes. I never remember to send birthday cards. And sometimes you call and I'm unable to call you back right away. Thank you for continuing to reach out even when the response isn't what I would wish it to be all the time.

But each of you are my sisters. Your influence on my being is worth so much to me. And no matter how much time passes, please know I think you all more than once a day. I wonder where you are - what you're doing. How you're being challenged and your successes. I miss the freedom of those old times and the way life seemed to be easier...and I miss you.

I love you ladies. Each of you. More than you know.

A letter to my doula

This is dedicated to all those who choose to answer the call - and support mothers as they give birth to their babies.... and specifically to MY doula.

It has been almost two years since my daughter's birth. The details of her birth are now somewhat blurred by time, sleep deprivation and the missing brain cells that departed once I was pregnant and then became a mother.

But...I can still FEEL the support you gave me. I can still see your face - reassuring, calm, inquisitive, loving...I see YOU and the significant role you represent in my daughter's birth story.

And I want you to know a few things...from this mama to her rockstar birth doula...

During my first pregnancy, I read countless times about how much of an impact a skilled birth doula could have on a mother's experience in labor. I didn't have one with my son's birth - the first time (though I did have my amazing husband and powerhouse of a sister by my side!) But I didn't KNOW myself how powerful a doula's presence could be until you joined me that early fall day in my L&D room as I grappled with the fact that my daughter would be joining us almost four weeks early.

Your cheerful, supportive, loving voice still resonates in my being - I know it always will.  At a time when fear could have taken over - you created joy, strength and love. You empowered my husband to rise to his best by my side. You saw what I needed, what my husband needed, what my baby needed - and did it without any expectation of gratitude.

When I didn't have contractions and worried I'd need to be induced, you worked your magic and really got things going! When I let the overwhelm of the experience start to take over, you met my eyes with reassurance and a gentle voice. I felt you breathe your calm my way. And when the birth fairy showed up, you stayed in a positive, helpful mindset - inviting me to stay there, too.

And when my daughter's birth became unexpectedly more challenging - more medical, you met us there, too. Even when I know it must've been SO hard to watch....even when there seemed to be no other alternatives, your voice of reason, support and wisdom piped up to remind us that WE were the ones in "charge" of what choices we were making.

I know ...I know that your experience of my birth had to be intense - had to be challenging to move through emotionally and physically. But I never saw it on your face. Through the unexpected twists and turns that accompany any birth - you helped me walk through each gate of my experience with as much grace and humor as possible. Your selflessness - the hours you spent holding my hand, supporting my husband, working your magic with the hospital staff...it did not go unseen.

And, my lovely doula, the moment you helped my daughter latch to my breast the first time remains a moment I call upon to this day. When I needed hope through those early days of breastfeeding struggle - reassurance that breastfeeding would eventually get easier - that image of you helping me latch her (and her latching!) was seriously a beacon of light that kept me going. Without you - we would not still be nursing today.

I know you don't need my affirmation that your role in a mama's birth is vital. But it is. It is SO vital. Each time. Each mama. Each birth.

You're the closest thing to a superhero that a mama can have - not because you save the day, have all the tricks to get her baby out or bring their husband a burrito but because you hold her up so she gets to be the superhero at her baby's birth.

So, thank you. For being our doula. For being there to help bring my baby girl into the world.

Love,

Mama Rebecca